Thursday, June 5, 2014

Strength is Not the Absence of Weakness

Hey friends! I have something important to talk about today.  I know that most of the time I just post pretty things......crafts, paintings, photos.  Things that make me smile.  That's good, but once in a while I feel the need to talk about what's really going on in my life.

While researching Endometriosis last night, I came across a good article HERE.  I was so impressed with this one sentence and I knew I had to share it today.



So here it goes friends.  I'm taking a step of courage to share where I am right now on my journey with infertility.  Maybe this will help someone else out there not feel so alone.

  • Doctors have told me that my tubes are blocked and that my chances of conceiving naturally are almost none, but I still don't feel like I can give up that dream.  I don't know if I'm supposed to, if the Lord has another child waiting for me.  These days I rely totally upon Him because there is not much else I can do.  The more I research the more I am convinced that synthetic hormone treatments are not right for my body.
  • We've thought about adoption, but again, I realize that we're not there yet. 
  • I can't read a pregnancy announcement on Facebook without crying.  It's gotten to the point where I've almost banned myself from that website (except to update my blog posts).  It's too painful.
  • I think about what to do about all of this A LOT.  I have weird pains everyday and I'm always wondering what they mean.  Is the Endo getting worse, better, staying the same? I have no idea.
  • I avoid pregnant ladies and babies at church.  I hate that, but it's what I've got to do to survive right now.
  • At times I feel so close to the Lord.  I feel so much love from Him at unexpected times, even during the middle of the night when I'm awake because of cramps.
  • I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be.  I cut myself more slack these days.  Last week a lady asked me if I was pregnant right before church started....argggghhh.... I don't know how many more times I'm going to have to explain to people that you cannot ever ask that, but they don't seem to get it.  I stayed a few minutes, then I let myself go home to cry it out.  In the past, I would have felt super guilty about ditching out on church and I do want to be there, but now I realize that I have to let myself grieve.  I have to cry it out or it will eat me up.  After a good cry and a bit of ranting, I feel better.  I guess I'm learning how to deal with it better and I don't expect myself to be perfect all the time.

So there you have it.  The sometimes ugly truth, but this is how it is for me right now.  I know one day it won't hurt so much and I'll be able to sincerely be happy for others having kids.  I'm working on it, a little at a time. 

If you or someone you know is dealing with infertility right now, I'd love to hear your story too.  We can give each other so much strength just by opening up and sharing.  Have courage friends!


14 comments :

  1. Elise, you have my full and complete understanding and sympathy. As of now i have an unknown condition, whereby i menstruate continually for some reason. I've had all the scans, etc. but there is no physical reason - its not endo, polyps, tumours, etc. It is so frustrating and exhausting to not have an answer to this. This has been happening on and off for over ten years now - i'm 33 now and it started in college. The only way to stop it is to take the pill, but that in itself is not a solution as it means having a child is not an option. Because of this, i don't even think having a long term relationship is a realistic possibility. It makes me so sad to know all this and know that it is completely out of my control. I am an elementary school teacher and adore children and wish so much i could have my own, but for whatever reason this does not seem to have been the plan for me. There are good days and bad and i look forward to being a dotting aunt, but as the people around me create families of their own, it can be hard to remember the gratitude i should have for all the good things that are in my life. I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time, be kind to ourselves and trust that we are exactly where we need to be in life to learn what we need to know. Hugs to all our there that are facing troubles of their own. xxxxx

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story Dotty. Hugs to you too. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers this kind of physical and emotional pain. It must be really difficult not knowing why all of that is happening to you and I hope that you can find some answers and comfort. Yes, gratitude is such a great tool! I've been working on that too, but at the same time I have to let myself cry when it is really hard.

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  2. I really don't have anything to say but I felt like I couldn't read this and not say something. I can only imagine what you're going through and the courage it must have taken to write this post.

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  3. Oh hon whenever you talk about this I feel such strength from you even when you talk about crying and feeling weak. Its takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to face your pain and let yourself feel it whenever it arises. But that is where your strength lies. Be kind to yourself hun this is hard hard stuff xxxxxxxxx

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    1. Awww, thanks Sian! Your words are comforting. You are so kind and have been such a good blogging friend :)

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  4. Hi Elise. I've been reading your blog for a few years, but have never commented before. I, too, have secondary infertility. Our son was born to us nearly ten years ago, and we adopted our daughter five years ago. I'm not commenting to give advice or even to tell our story necessarily, but to let you know that you are so NOT alone. If you ever want to correspond about secondary infertility, the processes of grief and decision making, adoption, or anything like that, I'll be here. I really do understand where you're at, and we are people of faith as well, so your thought process is very familiar. With empathy, Angela.

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    1. Thank you so much Angela. I'm sorry you had to go through that too, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone here :) I don't know what I would do without my faith. It would be so hard to still live a happy life without it.

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  5. Elise. Cute-beauty. Love your blog. I am rubbish with coments but I just want to support you too.
    So sorry to hear how you feel. xxx

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    1. Thank you so much! It means a lot to me to have your support here :)

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  6. I had the same problem with my first child - endo stopped us just at the start. I tried IVF twice, but was not successfull. Then I talked to an old doctor - she said I have to count with the fact, that with my diagnosis it could take for about two to three years to be pregnant. Uff. I was five years married, new house was built, baby room set - and this was not good news for me and my husband. But at the other hand it brings me to quiet state - I knew it will took long time - and in four months I was pregnant and in a year our first son was born. I am pretty sure you will have your baby in the right time too.

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  7. Thanks Elise for sharing! I believe it can be helpful and healing. I love you!

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  8. aw, sorry elise. i love when you share your stories because we both share similar issues, although i just don't ovulate much, therefore i'm infertile. i'll never have a baby, but at least you were blessed with one. it is such an ugly battle and seriously DO NOT feel guilty for avoiding pregnant people or even thinking bad or negative thoughts. unfortunately i think it's just a part of the process of what we go through. part of me isn't even happy when i hear someone is pregnant. the other day on my facebook, i had 5 friends who all had babies on the same day. i was filled with soooo many mixed emotions, yet i still don't understand why my body was made the way it was and i can't have a baby of my own. thanks again for sharing.
    i love your art and your life stories (:

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement Lesley. I find myself feeling guilty all the time. It's so so hard to let go of that, but you are right. It's all part of the process and I think it just takes time. I feel like I'm still pretty new to infertility so I'm so glad to hear from others who deal with it, although I'm sad that anyone else out there has to go through this. Good luck to you with finding answers and happiness! Thanks for sharing your story here :)

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