I know I've been writing a lot about hysterectomy stuff lately, so please hear me out on just one more post. It's such an emotional thing to go through, especially when you've waited all your life to have children as I have.
I have one child.
One beautiful child that came exactly when he was supposed to. But then there have been no more. We've waited for five whole years. Part of that time I was too sick and on too many medications to even consider trying for more. The other part of that time was spent on an emotional roller-coaster of maybe we can have more, maybe we can't.
I have often wondered why the Lord didn't step in somewhere along the way to prevent the disease of Endometriosis from ruining my organs. People say you shouldn't ask why in these situations, but that you should just accept that it is the Lord's will. Well, guess what? I ask why! I have plead with the Lord to understand this. I have to! I need to understand at least a little part of the reason to be able to find peace.
Giving up the possibility of being able to bear more children is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Days before the surgery I had a melt down and was asking God and my husband, How can you ask this of me? How am I going to give up that which is most precious and important to me in the whole world? How am I going to live with this choice? I thought I would die of a broken heart- and it felt like it too.
People have also said that if you want to ask the Lord a question, pray. If you want to get an answer read the scriptures. In this case, they are right. That's what I've done. I read the Book of Mormon a lot. It always surprises me how no matter where I am reading in that book, the Lord will find a way to reach me through those words in just the right way.
This week I discovered " Look to God and Live".
Look to God, that's how I'm going to survive this. That's how I can live after losing my chances for more children of my own. So that's what I leave with you readers today. Look to God and live. There is no other way.