I got out this morning for a short 10 minute walk by the lake. It's all frozen and gorgeous in whites, blues, and greens.
I missed my usual photos of the week on Monday- I'm not sleeping so well these days and migraines are still an issue. I had my last ovary removed just before Christmas and I'm still trying to adjust the hormones to the right levels. It's tough. But I feel like I've finally gotten rid of the Endometriosis. As soon as I woke up from the surgery, I could tell it was gone. It's never been that dramatic of a difference before.
It took a lot of faith to make that step. To choose to go into surgical menopause at age 31. It was right and I've never ever regretted the steps that I took in faith. The new year is a time of looking back, of resolving to be better in some way. My resolution is to have unwavering faith. To not ever let myself doubt. To hold on with all my might to an all-knowing, loving God.
I don't always write about how much I struggle emotionally and spiritually. It's hard to let that part of me out and it's scary to admit my true feelings and thoughts. At times I have really just wanted to give up. My health trials have spanned over a decade now and it's a pure miracle that I've made it this far. But when you're in the middle of a crisis, you can't sleep and you're in incredible pain, you just want it to end. That's all you can think about. I've had my moments of depression. Moments where I didn't want to live anymore because it seemed so dark. There seemed to be no other escape.
Sometimes I've let myself dwell in that dark space. I guess because I wanted to somehow prove that it was too much for me. I wanted the Lord to see that He had asked too much. But I've learned from experience that He can't help me when I choose to dwell in dark thoughts. I have to choose the light. I have to choose to believe that He is there even though I'm suffering. I have to show that faith before He can work his miracles and strengthen me to bear the pain. Every time I've chosen to believe, He gives me a greater ability to believe. It's like a little sprout of faith that He then waters and lets grow bigger and stronger.
I feel extremely vulnerable writing such personal feelings on a public blog. So I hope this touches someone out there. At the very least, it helps me to heal. So thanks for reading friends. It's heavy stuff, but important stuff too.